sporadic panic attacks

the sound of my thoughts

reverberates from too much

to not enough

of unidentifiable unquantifiable entities of substances feelings.

to be human is to be flawed.

I don't know what I want from a man

when my chest closes up

like the gates to the life are shutting me out.

I can't function for a short time. Do I want him to buy me flowers?

Would that really make a difference?

Sometimes I think maybe

the gravity of the situation needs to be affirmed by another

so I don't feel crazy when I can't breathe

over some stupid missed assignment,

or saying the wrong thing to somebody's parent.

Although I rarely get this way anymore,

when I do, I am grasping for something

into thin air,

my shaking fragile hand left unsatisfied.

PARADOX

I need to write a story for Forms of Fiction but all I can think about is poetry

Lamenting an Old Friendship

I can't believe how hard I fell

they were just words and

you are just a girl

thin, probing, pointy nose

pigeon toes

your voice meandering, quiet, unsure

hair color changing like your moods

projecting your insecurities onto everyone around you.

We used to sit over piping mugs of floral tea,

smoking camel crushes on your porch

in the summer heat. You said they helped your anxiety.

We would spend our entire paychecks on cheap clothing,

drink triple sec from the bottle, see a show,

meet new people; joke about ex boyfriends,

make 90s mixes and sing at the top of our lungs.

You brought me tissues in a disney princess box

when I felt broken, and I dropped by at a moment's notice

when you were lonely, when you felt neurotic.

I trusted you, even though you're the worst driver I know,

and you flaked out on most things last minute,

or made me wait outside of your apartment so many times

when you knew I was coming.

I told you things I've told very few,

sitting across from you in a diner at 2 in the morning

over mouse-shaped chocolate desserts.

I remember driving 50 miles to see you perform at coffee shops,

stumbling in from the cold, heart overflowing with support

as you sang--edgy and raw, fingers pouncing on black and white slabs of ivory.

I'd have been there for you through anything.

I don't know if I'd take it back now or not;

to be an open book and be brutally rebuffed

is the worst kind of rejection,

especially when you start questioning who you are because of it.

But you, old friend, tremble through life, unsure--

alienating loyal people out of selfishness, insecurity and jealousy,

and others say I am too pure of heart and intention to be affected by your defense mechanisms anymore.

Modeled off of "German Bar" by Charles Bukowski

I had spilled my morning coffee

somebody had boxed my car in on Cold Spring Lane

I could feel the deterioration of our friendship

and my dad was

sick. I went home to lay

down feeling defeated

but then you sent me that text

though you weren't present I could feel your spit on my face

as you spoke in swears

berating me.

everything goes to shit all at once,

you know. I apologized

and broke down.

nobody knows the power of their words.

I now realize it wasn't me--you just hated yourself.

_________________________________________

I had lost the last race big

somebody had stolen my coat

I could feel the flu coming on

and my tires were

low. I went in to get a

beer at the German bar

but the waitress was having a fit

her heart strangled by disappointment

grief and loss.

women get troubled all at once,

you know. I left a tip

and got out.

nobody wins.

ask Caesar.

I want to be a different personality style.- this is going to need revision and organizaiton

some people use thought not to participate in life

I am one of them

insecurity + low self-esteem keep me in the background of every picture,

the centimeters of my face smudged by a thumbprint

of some careless person who will never take the time to get to know me

it stems from childhood, they say

doesn't everything? so what if my parents didn't listen very well and I felt my thoughts and feelings were suppressed? does that mean I have to stay on the sidelines forever?

the glorification of my older brother,

he was strapping with thick brown hair and a puffed out chest

and the needs of my younger sister,

she unknowingly consumed all of the time and resources

and I was left to find my own way,

with a few slaps on the wrist for C+ grades

and the negative attention I received when my neighbor did that awful thing to me,

it stuck with me.

and the way they reacted when I brought someone home the first time

by secluding me in my room when I told my first lie,

I guess the sidelines felt safer.

this is what has happened to me,

it seems too heavy for someone so young

but it wasn't all bad.

I just want to be brought into the fold of life.

The Wisdom of the Enneagram

Personality Type Five: The Investigator

-Basic Fear- Of being helpless, useless, incapable/ overwhelmed

-Basic Desire- To be capable and competent

-Superego Message- "You are good or okay if you have mastered something."

-fives want to find out why things are the way they are.

-always searching asking questions delving into things in depth

-they do not accept doctrines

-test the truth of most assumptions

*fives feel that they do not have an ability to do things as well as others*

-rather than engaging directly with activities that might bolster their confidence, they take a step back into their minds where they feel more capable

-their belief is that in the safety of their minds, they will eventually figure out how to do things and one day rejoin the world

-they are not interested in exploring what is already familiar and well established--drawn to the unusual, overlooked, bizarre

-for better or worse, the areas that fives explore do not depend on social validation; fives become lost in the complexities of their own thought processes, becoming merely eccentric and socially isolated

-whatever the source of their anxieties might be--relationships, lack of physical strength, inability to gain employment, and so forth, average fives tend not to deal with these issues. rather they find something else to do that will make them feel more competent.

-learning to cut themselves off of nurturance--even from desiring it--becomes a way of defending themselves against further hurts and frustrations

-fives go through life avoiding the thing they most want, repressing their longing an dfinding substitute pleasures in interests, hobbies, and creativity

-you value and are attracted to wisdom, knowledge, understanding

-your passions are of the mind

-you are a seeker of truth

-you are a perceptive, insightful, original thinker

- you have the ability to objectively and dispassionately observe

-you are good at abstracting, synthesizing, and integrating different points of view and disparate elements

-you are a fair, nonjudgmental witness

-you can overidentify with the idealized self-image of being wise and perceptive. you live too much out of your head and forget you also have feelings and a body

-you can be overly intellectual. you may be afraid of and out of touch with your feelings

-you can become overly analytical and skeptical. your questioning can interfere with your acting

-you may be unwilling to consider others' perceptions and ideas

-you may stay in the observer position and not participate in life

-you may not make a decision or act until you have the certitude that you have all the facts. you want to know everything before you do anything

-you may be unwilling to disclose your position

-you are a good listener. you are gentle, patient, and nonthreatening

-you have the ability to get to the essence or heart of the matter. you can peer through extraneous details to get to basic structures.

-you can communicate in clean, clear, concise statements about what the issue really is

-you have an appreciation for solitude

-you are independent and resourceful

-you are reserved, respectful, and nonintrusive

-you may not contribute much to conversations. you let others do all the talking

-you can reduce life to bare dry bones and miss the juicy parts

-you can be stingy with your communications. you speak in epigrams or one-liners and are unwilling to elaborate

-you can be addicted to privacy

-you can be a loner who wants to do everything out of your own resources

-you have overdeveloped the tendency to move away from people. it's difficult for you to move forward with either affection or assertion.

-you are generous with your self, feelings, ideas, and time

It's a proven fact

that women feel intimacy from discussion

yet men feel closest through physical contact.

why would God play this joke on us?

making us polar opposites

protons and electrons

no neutrons

almost impossible

to meet each other in the middle.