The goddess of wisdom brushes soft, waved strands from her shoulder
as she walks across the shoreline.
The rain whistles slightly as it meets the wind, before the drops mesh with the ocean,
whispering words you have never heard before, but you think, maybe one day you could get to know them.
A white lily is tucked behind the goddess' left ear, as
garlands of irises trail behind her.
She is dressed in pure white as she approaches you,
the sand between her toes as she glides out of the fog.
Her lips pursed just slightly, you notice,
as if she knows something you don't.
You shudder, just barely, in awe.
Although you'd like to think of home as a place to lay your head,
sometimes its the discomfort in not knowing exactly what
that is the most breathtaking.
one of my faves !
ReplyDeleteCOMMENTS FROM CLASSMATES:
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the attention to the details of the setting. The images of the beach are very concrete and they provide a similar description of natural beauty that also comes across when you begin to depict the Goddess of Wisdom. I also like the image of her "gliding out of the fog." As far as suggestions go, possibly think of replacing some of the pronouns with some concrete images or reworking some of the phrases to eliminate a prose-y sound. For example, the line "It whispers words..." you could think about "Whispering words, unknown and intriguing..."
I like the way the poem begins with a clear image and then progresses to a stanza of description, and finally to a totally theoretical query in the last. This is an interesting organization that serves you well; starting off hypothetically can alienate readers. You should be careful to steer clear of cliche descriptions like "pure white," however. Also, the ending feels a bit rushed, and I was uncertain what the "what" is that you refer to in the penultimate line. Don't be afraid to take your time for the sake of clarity. Good luck!
One thing I enjoyed about this poem was the concrete scene we get at the beginning of a woman approaching someone on the shoreline. There are some great details like the "white lily" tucked behind her left ear, as well as rhythmic language that is engaging and accessible. I think you could tighten up the last few lines of the first stanza; I'd suggest making the language a bit more active: "The rain whistles slightly as it meets the wind, meshing with the ocean, whispering words you have never heard before." I wasn't sure if the "It" on the fourth line was referring to the rain or the ocean, but I am pretty sure it's referring to the rain and adjusting the syntax would make the scene and idea clearer.
So i read the comments then went back and reread the piece. i wouldn't change much at all, but after reading it i did kinda want a little more. the pace throughout the poem was so hypnotizing and the last stanza makes a big jump and kinda snaps the reader out of the trance. I think its a creative option either way, if you want that last stanza to be the zinger it certainly pops out in terms of pace. however if you want continuity of tone i would consider throwing another stanza in that would continue to feed the reader's curiousity while easing them to the final zinger...
ReplyDeletethat's true, thanks Ryan! look at professor's comments. those are the ones that kinda hurt. haha
ReplyDeleteI, too, really like the opening stanza, and the second one also. Both stanzas feature strong line-breaks, compelling rhythms, and a controlled, soothing voice that sounds ethereal and ancient. These are the qualities I think you strived for.
In general, I'd suggest you beware of archetypal "goddess of wisdom" figures, only because it's hard to make such characters (& the ideas they inevitably represent) sound original. But to the extent it's possible to make her "yours," you do so in this poem. You should hold on to this poem, be proud of what it does well, but, in your next poems, try to expand beyond well-trodden territory.
You use a lot of "poetry cliche" words here--"brushes," "soft/waved," "whispers," "pure white," "glides," "shudder in awe"--but they're acceptable because the voice that *holds* them is simple and compelling. In other words, the use of these words is a weak point; your strong lines and syntax are a strong point that obscures the words' weakness. Individually, the words are *fine*--together, they detract from the poem's originality.
Am I right in taking the "Goddess of Wisdom" to be an imaginary archetype rather than a specific goddess from some established mythological tradition? She reminded me of Venus/Aphrodite in her nautical surroundings (Botticelli), but I wasn't sure.
I also found the last stanza confusing, but I'd love to see you rework it & think it through to your original intent; it's cryptic, but seems the most original moment of your poem. I'd eliminate the "home is a place to lay your head" line if you can find a better line or image that expresses the idea.
Again, this poem's great virtues lie in its free verse confidence, its sound, & skillful treatment. I'd love to see that facility directed toward a subject or images more wholly your own.
Honestly I took her analysis more positive than negative, she def saw the strengths of the piece, the things she offered as critiques are in issues of stylistic opinion. I felt she complimented in the aspects of writing that make a piece concretely good.
ReplyDeleteI think so too, but the word cliche hurts my heart. lol
ReplyDelete